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Choosing the Right Top(ic)s

Staring into my closet each week, I might lament, "I have nothing to wear.”

Still, it's more likely I would wonder, "What haven't I worn in a long time?"

Or I would ask, "Who is going to see me this week?"

I may even consider, "Do my feet need a break? Is it okay if my movement is slightly restricted when I sit or bend down?"

Staring at my computer screen this week, I did lament, "I have nothing to talk about.” Unlike my closet full of hangers to flick with my finger tips, hands are silent against a white background. I squint as I brainstorm.

It's the first day of spring so maybe. . .something about growth?

It's St. Patrick's Day so maybe. . . that phrase in Spanish I like, "I wish you success because you don't need luck"?

Still, it's March which could mean. . . Women's History, or it’s Purim soon and I love Ester. . . but wordplay is always good. Makes me feel smart. . . Be. (Be)longing. Except. . . there is the ever present matter of my closet. What AM I going to wear this week? Actually, choosing a topic for a blog post IS in fact like choosing an outfit.

The posted content like my top says something about me. Someone may be more likely to see what I wrote on one week over another. Maybe I like this outfit, but I’m not ready for everyone to know that it actually IS me. My closet is full of articles of clothing. Some I chose and some are how others see me. Some are how I see myself now and some are remnants of a past me I haven’t let go.

Giving one top(ic)s a spotlight, believing in their meaning over another, is what's difficult. Some top(ic)s previously seemed out of reach, for example, my Jewish identity. Similar to the splashy styles my sister-in-law provided, I was not always willing to challenge my comfort with their fit. I grew into the words. Some top(ic)s are ones that likely are worn out. They may even smell a bit of ever sweat stains. Yet, I can't quite throw them away. Finding 'happy' is often one of them. There are the top(ic)s that go with everything like a black sweater. They are easy, comfortable and I always come out looking good. Still, it can be hard to escape a rut. For me, those are books. And, you never can tell. The best top(ic) maybe a post it or folded notebook paper you stumble on like the hanger that has found its way to the back of the closest because it's been forever, an almost forgotten accessory.

Sometimes the whole week’s wardrobe falls right into place. So too are the times when I can block out an entire month of posts at once with enough time in each week to give them the attention they deserve. These experiences always provide a visceral sense of relief that I know exactly what I'm choosing. Other times, I can go two or three selections at a time. Sometimes it’s day by day, week by week. And there weeks like this one, when I try everything on, start to run up to my deadline, make myself almost late, because nothing feels quite right. . .

The top(ic) I choose may become a favorite outfit, or not. The act of trying on, clothes or blog topics, is the process that matters. The alarm goes off; I get up. I get dressed; I show up. Words exposed, body not.


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