Why You Fail (Forward)

The clock was the hardest aspect of CrossFit for me to accept. Sense of urgency or opportunity, your choice, but there is always a limit. Lifting overhead was the scariest aspect of CrossFit for me to practice. I'm never sure how I end up in the car on a Saturday morning when the workout has both. Ten reps of a heavy weight, the lower fitness track weight was 105 lbs. That was my goal, and when I came in from the run, it felt impossible. I completed one. I failed the second. I completed three, and failed the fourth. I extended my rest. I looked at the clock. Urgency and opportunity.

A one rep max is the amount of weight you can lift once. Prior to joining a CrossFit gym, I did not know what a one rep max was, though self explanatory. The more accurate statement is that I did not know what a one rep max meant, because I hadn't encountered that feeling of failure. The same definition follows for a two rep max, three rep and five.  Each is a separate challenge.  Each requires you to accept that you might try and fail. You might get very close, expend all your energy, and still fail. The very nature of each choice is a calculation of risk, success called into question.

I check my previous numbers prior to a lift to hold myself accountable to this self-belief. CrossFit pushed me to lift heavier. I pushed. I failed. I dropped my bar. I started again. Failure, big or small, is not an end. My mind's well worn path, if not my bar's, says if I missed the weight the first time, I am not strong enough. If I try again, the result will be the same. I recognized this habit of mind through CrossFit and fight to change it both inside and outside the gym. It is possible to choose a challenging weight, struggle, even fail to complete the rep, and succeed the next time you try.   It is even possible, to fail within the workout multiple times and still hit the target number as written.

I did the math. With 20 seconds between the reps, I could still make ten. I would not get as much rest before the next running interval, but I didn't need it. What I needed was to prove to myself that I did not need to scale 105. I made it to six reps before I failed again. I looked at the clock. There was time--I had time--to meet my goal.

Everyone I talk to can identify movements and weights that invoke fear. Everyone is afraid. Everyone is making the choice to work through their fear.  55 lbs. 65 lbs. 75 lbs. 85 lbs. 95 lbs. 105 lbs. Fear doesn't end. It is infinite like the weight numbers, Don't misunderstand; failure is not the goal. Trainers caution your choices; time domain creates a time frame and frame of mind to choose appropriate steps forward. Still, there's an asterisk here of the Yoda 'that is why you fail' kind.  Accepting the possibility of failure is how you become stronger, and how you convince yourself that you are strong enough. You don't have to believe, at least not entirely, that you will succeed, just enough try again. You can always bail. In CrossFit when you bail, you fail, forward.